Wednesday, April 30, 2003
POLITICAL COINCIDENCES
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy'. Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
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Tuesday, April 29, 2003
HOMEOPATHY: JAMES RANDI FLAUNTS HIS PSYCHIC POWERS
The BBC program Horizon did a thorough job of debunking homeopathy last year, with legendary debunker James Randi devising a simple test, which of course the homeopathists failed miserably. However, an Australian psychic saw right through it. Randi, she explained, is a secret psychic who used his awesome power to either alter the test results or the perception of the results. "Damn!" Randi replied, "You got me, Marylou." He warned her he would "make your hair fall out," and if she persisted, "give you a rash all over your body." Whew! You don’t want to mess around with psychics. Meanwhile, according to the Daily Mail, the UK is dumping more than a million pounds into research on alternative medicine, including homeopathy, at the urging of Prince Charles
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Monday, April 28, 2003
FRENCH BETRAYAL
“FRANCE gave Saddam Hussein's regime regular reports on its dealings with US officials, The Sunday Times reported, quoting files it had found in the wreckage of the Iraqi foreign ministry. The information kept Saddam abreast of every development in US planning and may have helped him to prepare for war.” The French always were useless allies so it is rather a relief that any alliance is now clearly over.
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Sunday, April 27, 2003
A RESTRICTED DIET DISASTER
Wow! This is interesting. New Zealand scientists have found that restricted diets can lead the mother to have a huge increase in the likelihood of delivering premature babies. So all those lulus on fad diets may pay a big price for it. I feel very sorry for the kids concerned, though.
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Saturday, April 26, 2003
SEXY OLD AGE
Who says age makes you less sexually attractive? You can be 5000 years old and women will still want your babies!
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Friday, April 25, 2003
FOR VERY SMALL MEN?
Good Lord! Cadillac has released a car with a V16 engine that develops 1,000 horsepower -- at least 10 times more horespower than you really need. What on earth for? Pic here
FAT KILLS
Fatties are much more likely to get cancer. Good! It might encourage some self-control among them. At least 50% of the time that you see a fatty it has got something going in its mouth.
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Thursday, April 24, 2003
THE AUSTRALIAN MONARCHY
There are still a few grumblers who want to replace the monarchy in Australia with a republic -- despite two thirds of Australians recently voting in favour of the monarchy. One line of the republic advocates is that it is mainly the old fogeys who believe in the monarchy. David Flint reports polling data that show the opposite!
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Wednesday, April 23, 2003
TEA BEATS COFFEE
In what seems like a well-conducted scientific study, Regular tea drinking has been found to give a marked boost to your immune system and to prevent cancer! No wonder I am so healthy! It looks like the Boston Tea Party was a huge mistake and the British had it right. Will Americans now give up their beloved coffee and switch to tea? Most of the world prefers tea (India, China, the British Commonwealth) so maybe Americans should get with the strength!
TRAPPED PROFESSOR
Now this IS a funny one:
A CROATIAN professor spent three days trapped under a pile of books in his apartment in Zagreb before being saved by a neighbour who heard his cries for help, a local daily reported. The unfortunate 60-year-old mathematics professor, identified only by his initials DK, spent the Easter weekend lying helplessly on the floor, trapped between a bed and a book-case under a pile of books that fell on him, the Jutarnji List daily reported. The neighbour who called the police and paramedics told the daily that the professor's apartment was very untidy, "filled up with books, tapes, furniture and food".
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Tuesday, April 22, 2003
A THINKING ARCHBISHOP
The Archbishop of Canterbury may have some pretty unscriptural ideas but he is a good scholar. He has just come out against ad hominem arguments over Iraq and said that the argument should be based on the facts of the matter -- not on accusations about the motives of the people involved:
He said: "Some opponents of the war (have) insisted that the motives of those in power must be personally corrupt, greedy, dishonest and bloodthirsty _ as if the question could be settled simply by deciding on the wickedness of individuals
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Monday, April 21, 2003
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POPE CLIMBS DOWN
Report from The Times:
“The Pope is to heal a breach with rebel arch-conservatives in the Roman Catholic Church by reinstating excommunicated followers of the late Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre”
I hope the conservative Catholics tell Pope Peacenik where to go. Some of the Lefebrists ARE resisting:
“Bishop Williamson has said that the Vatican has “sold its soul to liberalism”. He said recently that the gulf between the traditionalists and the Pope was unbridgeable, and that the Pope had a “weak grasp of Catholicism”.”
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Sunday, April 20, 2003
SOLAR VARIATION
Everybody but the Greenies seems to know that the brightness of the sun varies over time. A solar physicist comments: "Reducing greenhouse emissions will have much less effect in halting rising temperatures than some people think, and it might have hardly any effect at all. The energy emitted from the Sun drives the climate system, and natural changes in its behaviour can have a far greater effect than human behaviour."
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Saturday, April 19, 2003
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Friday, April 18, 2003
THE GLORIES OF SOCIALIZED MEDICINE
Calderdale Royal Hospital in Halifax in the UK sent an ambulance to the home of a man, suffering from pneumonia, 6 months after he died from the ailment.
"It beggar's belief," said his widow. "I would like an explanation even if it was a computer error . What you don't expect is an ambulance calling for your husband six months after he died."
The hospital apologized, without explanation.
UK Mirror 15-Apr-03. Via Jerry Lerman.
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Thursday, April 17, 2003
OUR SOPHISTICATED MEDIA
Even a TV channel has recirculated a story from supermarket tabloid, The Weekly World News, about a man, claiming to be a time traveler from the year 2256, who was arrested for insider trading after turning an $800 investment into more than $350 million in just two weeks by seemingly knowing every unexpected business development in advance.
The Weekly World News is the rag that keeps writing about "bat boy" and is the one that published exclusive pictures of Timothy McVeigh's "lifeless body" the day after he received a stay of execution.
This might help remind people that television is not an educational medium but rather an entertainment medium that is most often incapable of separating fact from groundless claims.
Source. Via Jerry Lerman.
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Wednesday, April 16, 2003
PRO-LIFE???
A couple wanting to select a test tube baby that would be of the correct tissue type to treat their chronically ill son has now been given the go-ahead by the UK Court of Appeals which reversed an earlier ruling by a High Court judge who forbade it.
Their son, Zain, four, has a genetic blood disorder. His life can only be saved using tissue taken from the umbilical cord of a compatible donor. Without this treatment it is assured that Zain would "die a terrible, painful death." But even with the go ahead success is still not assured. There is only a one in 12 chance that the embryo will end up being of the correct type and then only a 10% chance that that embryo will result in a birth.
"Pro-life" groups fought for the ban, calling the procedure unethical.
Source. Via Jerry Lerman.
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Whale's funeral
A CROWD of 1,000 mourners turned up at a funeral for a whale in central Vietnam, where the creatures are revered, police said. The whale, weighing around three tonnes and measuring seven metres, died a few hours after it beached on the Nam O beach in the city of Da Nang, a local policeman said. Villagers held a funeral and buried the animal according to local custom.
"There is a temple to worship whales here. Local people call them Sir Fish and they bury all the dead whales they find with full ceremony," the policeman said.
I think that the Japanese idea of eating them makes a lot more sense.
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Monday, April 14, 2003
I WOULD HAVE SACKED HER FOR STUPIDITY
Elizabeth Cornman sued her former employer, Mary Kay Cosmetics of Hanover Park, Ill. She claimed she was harassed by supervisors because she practices Wicca. Allegedly, after she revealed her Wiccan beliefs, management accused her of violating company policy, saying that Wiccans "are unchristian and ... devil worshippers." Cornman, however, worships air, water, earth and fire. She seeks $300,000 in damages for religious discrimination.
Source.
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CRAZY JUSTICE
This is the sort of thing that sends insurance premiums sky high -- which we all end up paying for:
A Joliet, Illinois jury awarded Richard N.Shick $5 million dollars in damages and $166,700 in back pay from his employer believing Shick's claim that he robbed a convenience store with a sawed-off shotgun only because he was stressed at work.
While the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Illinois dismissed the $5 million award, they awarded him $303,830 in pay while he serves a 10-year sentence.
Fortunately the 7th circuit court reversed all the awards.
Source. Via Jerry Lerman.
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Saturday, April 12, 2003
MAVERICK GREENIE
What a naughty boy! Eminent Australian environmental scientist, Tim Flannery has argued that we should help save the planet by eating whales. Like the Japanese, he argues that whales are just like fish-stocks -- to be managed and used. There seems to be an emotional bond (with interesting evolutionary implications -- did our recent ancestors live in the sea?) between people and the marine mammals, however, so I don't think logic comes into it.
Flannery is definitely an independent thinker. He has also advocated the release of Indonesian komodo dragons in northern Australia to provide a top predator for the kangaroo -- which is in plague proportions in many parts of Australia.
More on the kangaroo problem here
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Friday, April 11, 2003
BUSH THE GREENIE
George Bush is usually portrayed by the Green Left as anti-environmental cowboy. But appearances can be deceptive. In fact, while he was governor of Texas, Bush set up a system there of promoting renewable energy supplies that has given Texas a record that is arguably “greener” than the EU's. But the Texas system is only good if you think that using windmills to generate power makes sense. Using windmills just means that you have to have backup plants using other sources of energy for when the wind is not blowing -- a doubling of the enormous capital cost of generating power that has to be passed on to consumers in the form of higher electricity prices.
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Thursday, April 10, 2003
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him.
The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear brown pants
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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
ISN’T BUREAUCRACY GREAT?
78-year-old Ken Stevenson waited a year for the council to paint a
"disabled parking bay" outside his house only to see the council come
down the next day and pave over it.
Says the retired transport manager: "Of course I was thrilled when I
saw the road crew finally painting the new bay. Particularly as it had
taken so long. But they turned up again the next day and now my bay
has gone."
UK Sun 4-Apr-03. Via Jerry Lerman.
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Tuesday, April 08, 2003
ANOTHER ARAB DEFEAT
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, I think I'll get up and get a beer" No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the American obligingly went to get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?
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Monday, April 07, 2003
JESUS AND IDENTITY POLITICS
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure his father
was god.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But the most compelling evidence of all- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
to be do.
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Sunday, April 06, 2003
REPORT FROM THE FRONT
To nobody’s surprise there were protestors today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia. I got hosed twice because I come in from NoVA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment for protestors (but that isn't the point of this). Anyway, I'll get to the point.
I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a guesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it."
I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words.
From The Braden files
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Saturday, April 05, 2003
Top Ten Reasons Why Canada Cannot Join the USA In The War On Iraq
10. We have no way of getting there.
9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.
8. After 136 years, we are still copying off France.
7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards is "MAD ASS".
We'll stay away from him.
6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian Bacon
in Iraq after the war.
5. Our Sea King Helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.
4. Céline Dion can't sing to the troops because
she has a contract in Las Vegas.
3. The rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our war canoes.
2. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year.
1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm in
Toronto.
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Friday, April 04, 2003
The efficient British Police again
The West Midlands, United Kingdom police phoned a man to tell him they found out where his stolen Ford Focus was parked and told him he could go and collect it himself if he wanted to avoid paying a $300 retrieval fee.
But what police didn't tell Mark Smith was that the car was still in the possession of the gang of car thieves who stole it. The gang was not happy to see Smith turn up to get his car. This led to a terrifying 5-mile high-speed chase through the streets of West
Midlands as the thieves tried to catch Smith, his two-year old son and a friend. Smith eventually managed to give the crooks the slip.
"I'm furious about this," said Smith. "I thought I would be picking the car up from some old granny's house but it was the crooks' place."
The police admit that no officer checked out the vehicle before telling him he could pick it up. They say they were too busy.
UK Sun 30-Dec-02. Via Jerry Lerman.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
If Saddam loses a leg but survives, how pissed off will his six body doubles be ?
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Thursday, April 03, 2003
Iowa town to outlaw lying
LYING could be perceived as more than just a character flaw in the southeast Iowa town of Mount Sterling. It could become a crime. Four City Council members have proposed an ordinance against fibbing. Acting Mayor Jo Hamlet said he's tired of the exaggerating that comes with stories in the town of 40 residents famous for its hunting and fishing. "We wanted to slow down on this lying," Hamlet said this week. "Plus, I'm bored. ... It's been a long winter."
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THE SPEAKERPHONE MENACE CURED
Taken verbatim from the Dear Webby Humor Ezine:
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally) ?
It can really begin to bother you after a while. However, I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have a young lady call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like this: "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone. Via Jerry Lerman.
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QUAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business
in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such
an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups
from all across the country would be marching on this business...
And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the
angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might
be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . .
We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may
ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
A FUNERAL HOME
And just who said morticians have no sense of humor?
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JUST A JOKE ......
One day a man was walking in the woods and he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.
Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that very moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl!"
IS THIS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE?
THE winner of the biggest dog show in the world may be stripped of his title after being accused of having a secret facelift.
Danny, the Pekinese who beat 20,000 contestants to be crowned Supreme Champion at Crufts on March 9, faces an investigation, The Times reported yesterday.
Nips and tucks are banned under the show's strict rules and winners found to have gone under the knife can be stripped of their titles, the event's organisers, the Kennel Club said.
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