Friday, July 30, 2004
DOGGY PICS
For people who like dogs there are two great doggy pics here
A COWBOY JOKE
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
SECOND-RATE PILGRIM FATHERS
I have just put up something that is very wicked indeed: An old article that says that a military expedition did a much more impressive job of founding a new country than the Pilgim Fathers did. Read the facts for yourself here
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
SOME QUESTIONS WITH BIASED ANSWERS
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y' all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
A GOOD POPE JOKE
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there -- the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
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Monday, July 26, 2004
SOME SAYINGS: MOSTLY WISE
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams". So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk !
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, three's the result !
A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view
The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So.. why learn?
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
SO HELP US GOD
From an unknown author:
"Today I went to visit the new World War II Memorial in Washington, DC. I got an unexpected history lesson. Since I'm a baby boomer, I was one of the youngest in the crowd. Most were the age of my parents, veterans of "the greatest war" with their families. It was a beautiful day, and people were smiling and happy to be there. Hundreds of us milled around the memorial, reading the inspiring words of Ike and Truman that are engraved there. On the Pacific side of the memorial, a group of us gathered to read the words President Roosevelt used to announce the attack on Pearl Harbor:
"Yesterday, December 7, 1941-- a date which will live in infamy-- the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked." One woman read the words aloud: " With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbending determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph."
But as she read, she was suddenly angry. "Wait a minute," she said. "They left out the end of the quote. They left out the most important part. Roosevelt said, "So help us God.".. "You're probably right," her husband said. "We're not supposed to say things like that now." "I know I'm right," she insisted. "I remember the speech." The two shook their heads sadly and walked away.
Listening to their conversation, I thought to myself, "Well, it has been 60 years. She's probably forgotten." But she was right. I went home and pulled out the book my book club is reading. It's "Flags of Our Fathers" by James Bradley. It's all about Iwo Jima. I haven't gotten too far in the book. It's tough to read because it's a graphic description of the battles in the Pacific. But right there it was on page 58. Roosevelt's speech to the nation. It ends "so help us God."
The people who edited out that part of the speech when they engraved it on the memorial could have fooled me. I was born after the war. But they couldn't fool the people who were there. Roosevelt's words are engraved on their hearts".
Eleanor French Spreitzer writes about the above:
"Who are these people who edited out this part of the speech? Well, they weren't Conservatives. They were Liberal Elitists. I can't picture a Liberal Elitist voting Republican - they almost always, if not always, vote Democrat.
To any Democrat reading this: I implore you to THINK. And realize that the Roosevelt Democratic Party that your parents loved and believed in is dead. And now I must say the Roosevelt Democratic Party is as dead as his words are. Roosevelt's words were KILLED BY THE VERY PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PROTECTING THEM".
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Saturday, July 24, 2004
FBI WARNING FOR MEN
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females to target unsuspecting men use a date rape drug on the market called "beer".
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." Female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them use "Beer".
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts with women to whom they normally would never even talk.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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THE FRIENDS OF THE ELDERLY
Via Eleanor French Spreitzer
Q: Which party took Social Security from an independent fund and put it in the general fund so that Congress could spend it? (Gee, wish I'd thought of that)
A: The Democratic controlled House and Senate, under Lyndon Johnson.
Q: Which party decided to tax Social Security? (OH, what a great idea!)
A: The Democratic party.
Q: Which party increased the tax on Social Security? (Brilliant!)
A: The Democratic Party with Al Gore casting the deciding vote.
Q: Which party decided to give Social Security to immigrants even though they had paid NOTHING into it? (WOW, another great idea!)
A: That's right, the Demo's did it to us again.
Then, after doing all this, the Democrats turn around and tell us the Republicans want to take our Social Security!
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Friday, July 23, 2004
CAN YOU STAND IT?
Two French Legionnaires have been separated from their unit and are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration. As they reach the top of a yet another sand dune in what seems to be an endless series of sand dunes, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the merchants' cries. They eventually reach the market and
realize that, indeed, it is really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they come to and cry to the merchant, "Good sir, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The vendor shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly finished off with multi-coloured sprinkles."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the merchant, "Mister purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."
The merchant looked at them embarrassed, and confessed, "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell are these large bowls of jelly topped with custard, cream and multi-coloured sprinkles... with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glazed cherry. "I cannot help you."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where, dropping any sense of proper market decorum, they demand of the merchant, "Look bud, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"
The merchant looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and topped with multi-coloured sprinkles. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each vendor whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives. But each merchant gave the same reply: all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and topped with multi-coloured sprinkles.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and topped with multi-coloured sprinkles."
The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."
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Thursday, July 22, 2004
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MRS KERRY
Via Eleanor French Spreitzer
According to the G2 Bulletin, an online intelligence newsletter of WorldNetDaily, in the years between 1995-2001 she gave more than $4 million to an organization called the Tides Foundation. And what does the Tides Foundation do with John Heinz's money? They support numerous antiwar groups including Ramsey Clark's International Action Center. Clark has offered to defend Saddam Hussein when he's tried.
They support the Democratic Justice Fund, a joint venture of the Tides Foundation and billionaire hate-monger George Soros. The Democratic Justice Fund seeks to ease restrictions on Muslim immigration from "terrorist" states.
They support the Council for American-Islamic Relations, whose leaders are known to have close ties to the terrorist group, Hamas.
They support the National Lawyers Guild, organized as a communist front during the Cold War era. One of their attorneys, Lynne Stewart, has been arrested for helping a client, Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, communicate with terror cells in Egypt. He is the convicted mastermind of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
They support the "Barrio Warriors," a radical Hispanic group whose primary goal is to return all of Arizona, California, New Mexico, and Texas to Mexico. These are but a few of the radical groups that benefit, through the anonymity provided by the Tides Foundation, from the generosity of our would-be first lady, the wealthy widow of Republican senator John Heinz, and now the wife of the Democratic senator who aspires to be the 44th President of the United States. Aiding and supporting our enemies is not good for America, regardless of your political views.
If voters will open their eyes, educate themselves and see the real Teresa Heinz Kerry, they will not appreciate her position as ultra rich fairy godmother of the radical left. They will not want to imagine her laying her head on a pillow each night inches away from the President of the United States.
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
HEROIC BUREAUCRATS
Not a brain anywhere in sight. But would they waste their own money that way -- or just yours?
The State of Washington, Department of Employment Security, threatened to sue Sandi Byron for the 5 cents they say they overpaid her six years ago that she has so far not paid back.
And it only got sorted out when a newspaper published the story of the idiocy. What a surprise!
More here
Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, New York, engaged the services of a collection agency to collect the one-cent still owed to them by Gloria Benavides-Lal, threatening to destroy her credit record if she doesn't pay. The hospital refuses to disclose how much they are paying the collection agency.
When a newspaper rang a hospital spokesman, he was "surprised" to hear of it. Nobody who knows bureaucrats would be surprised, however.
More here. (Via Jerry Lerman).
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Tuesday, July 20, 2004
GOOD ANSWER!
Jill LaVine, Sacramento County's top elections official, didn't expect her cable television debut to go like this. LaVine, still in her first year on the job, had just given a full explanation of the threats facing California's electoral system when her interviewer asked for clarification.
"Now, can you take that long-ass answer and put it in a nutshell like I asked you?" said Rob Cordrry, one of the satirical correspondents for "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart," Comedy Central's Emmy-winning send-up of the media, public officials and the news.
LaVine stammered, and a perplexed look crossed her face. She started again. "Elections in California are a mess," she said.
More here
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Monday, July 19, 2004
SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T WIN
A young gay man named Howard telephones his mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
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Sunday, July 18, 2004
TOM WOLFE
I wonder does anybody have a complete copy of Tom Wolfe's excellent essay "In the Land of the Rococo Marxists" that they could email me? It originally appeared in the June 2000 Harper's. I believe that it was also reprinted in Wolfe's book: Hooking Up.
It was online for a long time but now seems to have been taken down. I would like to re-post it. There is an excerpt from it online here.
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NIGERIAN SCAMMERS UNDONE
The infamous Nigerian Email scammers themselves have gotten caught in a counter scam run by volunteers at this site who reverse the scam and get the scammers to send them money instead.
For those not familiar with this scam, any Email you get promising to transfer money into your bank account, usually millions of dollars, is an Email from one of the scammers. It is estimated that $200 million is scammed from US citizens alone each year.
Claiming to be pastor from The Church of The Order of The Red Breast, members of the 419 eaters managed, in one case alone, to get one of the scammers to send them $129 and do some really humorous things in the process. All money collected is given to children's charities.
Details here
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Saturday, July 17, 2004
WHY GOD MADE MUMS
Enjoy the answers given by primary school age children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of them when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel-hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between mums and dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me!
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Friday, July 16, 2004
Diary of a Viagra Housewife
Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2 Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's column and burst into tears.
Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work, I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5 What absolute bliss
Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there
Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I 'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.....
Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. I'ts like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Yawning has become dangerous.....
Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself, and he did...
Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back to Prozac
Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.....Damn!!! Here he comes again.
Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss
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Thursday, July 15, 2004
Women shopping
Another oldie but goldie
Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
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The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said," Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
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The sign read,
"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Interesting," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's upstairs?"
Third floor
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This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow!" exclaimed the women, "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they went.
Fourth floor
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This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs,love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me!!! But just think - what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
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The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
DECONSTRUCTING MONSIEUR MOORE
Some good sarcasm from the New Republic:
"It's important to see the movie Fahrenheit 9/11 receiving wide distribution, as it is exactly the kind of political speech the First Amendment was designed to protect. And it's important to know that before the American-led invasion to subjugate Iraq for sinister oil interests, this invasion staged as part of America's gruesome campaign to lay waste the world, daily life in Iraq was smiling and laughing and flying kites! According to Michael Moore, at least, until March 2003, Iraq was a land of happy kite-flyers, without any oppression. Then the United States came to kill and maim as part of a global conspiracy to serve oil commerce, this conspiracy run by men so hidden, sinister, and malicious that Moore had no trouble filming them and showing the film in suburban shopping malls. Fahrenheit 9/11 does well to remind us that U.S. forces have killed the innocent in Iraq; unlike the attackers on 9/11, it was not our intent to kill the innocent, but kill them we have, and to the dead it's all the same. That innocents have died in Iraq is rarely being mentioned in American debate, and Moore is right to find this an outrage. Beyond that, the conspiracy theories of the movie make little sense. Yet Moore's ideas are exactly the type of political opinion the First Amendment was designed to protect....
Moore's PC sainthood was cemented by his Oscar for best "documentary" for Bowling for Columbine, though the film includes many staged scenes and outright fabrications. A few examples: Moore declares that the United States government was funding the Taliban in 2000 and 2001; but the figures he cites turn out to be humanitarian aid donations made to the United Nations, earmarked for hunger relief in Afghanistan. Moore presents a scene in which he buys a large amount of ammunition at a Wal-Mart in Canada without showing identification. As the CBC reported, the transaction depicted is illegal in Canada, so either the scene is faked or it was a Wal-Mart error--not lack of Canadian law regulating ammunition, as Moore asserted. Moore claimed that a plaque on an old B-52 on display at the Air Force Academy "proudly proclaims that the plane killed Vietnamese people on Christmas Eve of 1972." How likely does it seem to you that a plaque at the Air Force Academy would say this? Here is a picture of the plaque and its actual wording, which makes no reference to killing Vietnamese or even dropping bombs but, rather, refers to the shooting down of a MiG fighter by the bomber on Christmas Eve 1972.....
By the way, did you know that James Madison once attended a secret meeting? Did you know that George W. Bush has quoted James Madison, and that the indexes of several books contain both the names Bush and Osama bin Laden, and that Saudi sources have awarded billions of dollars in contracts, and that Saudi financial dealings have been the subject of investigations, and that a subsidiary of a company a Bush family member once held stock in did business with another company that had an office in Saudi Arabia, and that George W. Bush has never denied these links between him, billions of dollars of Saudi payments, and secret meetings with James Madison? That's a sample of the kind of thinking in Fahrenheit 9/11."
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
MIDEAST MYSTERY?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists
are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders,
No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No
golf, No tailgate parties.
No Home Depot.
No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No
shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No
jambalaya.
More than one wife.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's
sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Christmas.
You can't shave. Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of
donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all
times.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just
like your donkey, but your donkey has a better
disposition..
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets
better!
I mean, really,
"IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE" ??
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Monday, July 12, 2004
HOMER SIMPSON, CORNWALL ETC.
I have just put up here rather a good article from a couple of years back about The Simpsons. I liked this quote about earlier episodes of the series: "But Bush lost the election and Americans voted for Homer or, rather, Bill Clinton - another libidinous, gluttonous man. The 1990s were called the Clinton years, but they weren't, they were the Homer years."
I see from press reports that The Simpsons will soon be doing a sendup of national liberation movements. Cornish independence may be a lost cause everywhere else, but in The Simpson's it will be taken up by the elder daughter of the family, Lisa. She will shout "Rydhsys rag Kernowlemmyn" - "Free Cornwall now" - and "Kernowbys vykken" - "Cornwall forever" - in an episode producers expect to be shown as an alternative to the Queen's speech on Christmas Day -- according to London's The Times. Simpsons producer Tim Long had the idea after seeing a comedian in the US who said he was Cornish, rather than English. The last native Cornish-speaker died just over 100 years ago. And he kept his knowledge of Cornish alive by speaking Cornish to his cat!
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Sunday, July 11, 2004
"FREE AT LAST"
I have just had an amusing picture passed on to me. The words of an old negro spiritual (if I have it right) being used to sell a service to criminals (or alleged criminals). See here
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Saturday, July 10, 2004
BITING THE BITER
Hooray! A medical malpractice lawyer who sued a gynecologist got a taste of her own medicine when the gynecologist turned around and sued her for faulty judgment -- and won. Pennsylvania attorney Diane Rice, admitting that she never consulted a medical expert before filing a medical malpractice lawsuit on behalf of a client who hemorrhaged during surgery, thinking it just wasn't necessary, paid an undisclosed sum of money to gynaecologist Charles Dutton of Pennsylvania and provided a written apology: "I understand now, in a manner that I did not previously, that many medical occurrences that may appear at first glance to be the result of improper care ... are not the result of improper care but are instead among the events that occur even in the absence of any negligence."
(Via Jerry Lerman).
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Friday, July 09, 2004
MEN AND WOMEN: THE DIFFERENCE DEMONSTRATED
An oldie but goldie
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted)
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THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,....", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
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(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of tea??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
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(Rebecca) @sshole.
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(Gary) B1tch.
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Thursday, July 08, 2004
THE BORKING OF BJORN LOMBORG
Matt Ridley's article in reply to the attack on Bjorn Lomborg by the Greenies of The Unscientific American is still a great read so I have reposted it here for convenience. It all makes a pretty amazing story -- both the dishonesty of the attacks on Lomborg and the different findings that Lomborg himself came up with. Ridley's initial (much shorter) letter to the magazine is also online here (short PDF) at Lomborg's own site.
Robert Bork was of course one of Ronald Reagan's nominations to the U.S. Supreme Court. He believed that judges should stick to judging and not make the law up as they went along. Needless to say, his nomination was opposed by huge numbers of liberal pressure groups who depend on the court to get them what they could never get from Congress. So despite Bork's impeccable legal credentials his nomination was blocked by Democrats in the Senate -- causing great damage to Bork's career, of course. So to be "borked" now means to be roughly treated and denied influence on purely ideological grounds -- regardless of merit. Greenie sympathizers tried to treat Lomborg in a similar way, but with much less success.
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
MARRIED LIFE
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU**ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU**ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ARSEHOLE?"
....and, they lived happily ever after.
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004
LAWYERS
Another lawyer story currently making the rounds explains why one bar association's ethics committee decided to prohibit sex between attorneys and clients: "They didn't want the clients to be double-billed for essentially the same service."
(Via Anal Philosopher)
OPTIMISM
Want to see a picture of an optimist? Click here
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I am having a hell of a battle to get blogger to publish anything lately, so apologies if you come here and find no new posts. I try -- but when anything comes up is beyond my control.
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Monday, July 05, 2004
THE WINNER
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.
A year later they meet.
The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towelhead."
(Via Donald Luskin)
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Sunday, July 04, 2004
SOME SCOTTISH JOKES
Scots traditionally marry on February 29, goes the joke, so that they only need to celebrate their anniversary once every four years.
How can you tell that the trawler coming to the harbour is from Scotland? There are no seagulls in its wake.
"I've received some photos from my Scottish pen pal?" "What do they look like?" "Don't know. Have to get them developed first."
Two Scots fall down a crevasse while in the mountains. The mountain watch is alerted, and the rescue team appears. "Hello, we're from the Red Cross," one rescuer says. The reply comes from below, "You're getting no donations from us."
(Via An Englishman's Castle)
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IT'S NORMAL FOR BLACKS TO SMASH THEIR KIDS TO DEATH
Or so some nutty Leftists say. If I were a black I would be in a towering rage about such insulting claims. I would not exactly call such claims "How to win respect in one easy lesson", after all. But I haven't heard any uproar about it. So maybe they think it is true ..... If it IS true, black kids have to face a ghastly future
A Portland lawyer says suffering by African Americans at the hands of slave owners is to blame in the death of a 2-year-old Beaverton boy. Randall Vogt is offering the untested theory, called post traumatic slave syndrome, in his defense of Isaac Cortez Bynum, who is charged with murder by abuse in the June 30 death of his son, Ryshawn Lamar Bynum. Vogt says he will argue -- "in a general way" -- that masters beat slaves, so Bynum was justified in beating his son.
The slave theory is the work of Joy DeGruy-Leary, an assistant professor in the Portland State University Graduate School of Social Work. It is not listed by psychiatrists or the courts as an accepted disorder, and some experts said they had never heard of it. DeGruy-Leary testified this month in Washington County Circuit Court that African Americans today are affected by past centuries of U.S. slavery because the original slaves were never treated for the trauma of losing their homes; seeing relatives whipped, raped and killed; and being subjugated by whites. Because African Americans as a class never got a chance to heal and today still face racism, oppression and societal inequality, they suffer from multigenerational trauma, says DeGruy-Leary, who is African American. Self-destructive, violent or aggressive behavior often results, she says.
Murder-by-abuse, punishable by life in prison with 25 years before possible parole, means the victim suffered from a pattern of assaults.
An autopsy found Ryshawn Bynum died of a brain injury and had a broken neck, broken ribs and as many as 70 whip marks on his legs, buttocks, back and chest that were of various ages....
"He had a traditional, Southern, small-town, working-class upbringing where 'whuppin' was accepted," Vogt said. "Whether that was abusive or not, that is in the eye of the beholder. He was raised differently than your typical kid in Beaverton."....
"Post traumatic slave syndrome is rather unique; it's not that everybody has it," DeGruy-Leary testified. "If you are African American and you are living in America, you have been impacted."
Under cross-examination by Robert Hull, Washington County senior deputy district attorney, DeGruy-Leary viewed Ryshawn Bynum's autopsy photos. Calling the boy's injuries excessive, DeGruy-Leary said she would have reported them. But in the African American culture, such discipline "is extremely common," she said. "It falls in the rubric of what they think is normal."
More here
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Saturday, July 03, 2004
CLINTON LIED!
Whoops! We all knew that
Newsweek's review of Michael Moore's new movie shows how shoddy his 'thinking' really is. Moore's "conspiracy theory", once you strip out the innuendo, is that the Bush clan and the Bin Laden clan essentially co-conspired to engineer from the 9-11 attacks and profit from the ensuing wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. When stated bluntly it is nonsense. The simple answer to the oft repeated claim that "this movie raises questions the mainstream media are afraid to ask" is that even our second rate mass media know balderdash when they see it. Newsweek looks at some of the specific "business link" claims made by Moore and finds that they "implicate" the Clinton administration more than either Bush administration. Of course if any movie producer made that equally ridiculous claim of a Clinton/Bin Laden plot he would definitely not be applauded in Hollywood... and would be cast as a member of "the vast right-wing conspiracy."
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Friday, July 02, 2004
CRAZY PAINT
The UK roadpainters have been at it again. The Hampshire County Council in the New Forest village of East Boldre purposely painted very wobbly road lines along their main street, believing it will give drivers the impression the road is narrower than it is and drivers will therefore go slower.
"It is stupid and dangerous," said one resident. "We've been accused of getting the painters drunk," said another.
You can see the amazing result of this warped thinking here
UK Sun 1-Jul-04
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
FIRE-PROOF CIGARETTES???
Hilarious
Cigarettes sold in NY must be "fire-safe": "Smokers who linger between drags on their cigarette may need to be a tad more careful in New York. Their smokes will self-extinguish if not puffed on regularly. New York became the first state yesterday to require new 'fire-safe' cigarettes to be sold. The law is meant to cut down on the number of smoking-related fires. For the past several months, companies have rushed to meet the deadline to supply vendors with the new cigarettes, which are wrapped in special ultrathin banded paper that essentially inhibits burning. But manufacturers warn that though the new cigarettes go out on their own, they are not fireproof and careless handling still could lead to fires."
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A good epigram: "If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free." --P.J. O'Rourke
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