HOW BONEHEADED CAN THE SECURITY HONCHOS GET?

Brainless "security" procedures in fact put people in danger

"Stepped-up screening procedures at Los Angeles International Airport that were designed to make flying safer have created another potential vulnerability: long lines that are a "tempting target for terrorists," security experts said Friday. Rand Corp. researchers recommended in a 47-page report that airlines and federal officials spend $4 million a year to add skycaps, ticket agents and screeners to speed travelers through lines in terminal lobbies and on sidewalks and into the secure gate area — where they would be less vulnerable to attack. "We think this should happen right away," said Donald Stevens, a senior engineer at Santa Monica-based Rand and lead author on the highly anticipated study.

The report found that if airlines and the federal Transportation Security Administration, which manages screeners at the nation's airports, hired 5% more personnel at LAX, lines and potential fatalities could be reduced by 80%. The wide-ranging report — which considered the potential casualties from car bombs, mortars, snipers and surface-to-air missile attacks — is the first public blueprint of the airport's greatest vulnerabilities and the most cost-effective methods to fix them.

LAX, the world's fifth-busiest airport, is considered the state's top terrorist target. An Al Qaeda plot to explode several luggage bombs in terminals was foiled in December 1999.

The Rand report also recommends establishing permanent checkpoints at airport entrances to search vehicles for bombs, screening cargo for explosives and conducting background checks on all airport personnel... "A luggage bomb in either the skycap line or the check-in line will cause a significant number of fatalities and injuries," the report said. "These bombs could be coordinated with other bombs in other terminals, increasing the number of fatalities." The report says that was Ahmed Ressam's plan. Ressam was arrested in December 1999 by customs agents at a Port Angeles, Wash., border crossing after they found explosives in the trunk of his car. He was later convicted of plotting with Al Qaeda to bomb LAX.

Adding one ticket counter station per terminal would reduce average line length from 75 people to 15, the Rand researchers found. Similarly, adding one more skycap station would reduce the average line length from 70 people to three, according to the report".

More here


posted by bussorah at 6:02 PM

 
THE ITALIAN WAY

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."



posted by bussorah at 6:07 PM

 
IRELAND DECLARES WAR

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."



posted by bussorah at 6:20 PM

 
The Bill of Non-Rights

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (finally....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

(Via Ratlands).


posted by bussorah at 6:10 PM

 
BUSH-HATING MORON

A great story from one of Larry Elder's readers -- Via Betsy's Page

"Last Thursday I put out one of my Bush/Cheney signs in my front yard. Between midnight and 3 a.m. someone stole it. On Friday night I put out sign No. 2. Since I didn't have to get up early, I thought my dog and I would "stake out" our sign. This time I put the sign a little closer to the gate leading to my backyard. With my dog on an extra long leash, I planted myself on a lawn chair and read 'Unfit for Command' by flashlight until about 1 a.m. Here comes the fun part.... I noticed that the car coming down the street was slowing down and pulling over to the curb right next to my yard. Sure enough, he gets out of his car and heads right for my sign. Just as he was about to uproot and desecrate it, I opened my gate and let my dog make the initial introduction. As he ran to hide behind the rear end of his car, I promptly moved to the driver-side door, which was still open. It was a fairly nice car with power everything and still running. While my dog continued to 'introduce' herself, I rolled up the window and hit the power door lock button. With that, I slammed the door, grabbed my Bush sign and headed into the back yard.

"And now for the 'rest of the story.' About 40 minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door to one of our city's finest... the Vancouver Police Department. The officer asked me what was going on and when I told him, he could not stop laughing. I followed him out to the perp's car and stood there while he asked the guy a few more questions. Upon learning that the guy lived a couple of streets down, I — knowing what was about to happen — asked him, 'Why do you have Oregon plates on your car if you live just down the street (here in Vancouver, Wash.)?'

Larry, Oregon has no sales tax, so often Washington residents will buy and register cars in Oregon to avoid paying sales tax... it's a crime and the fine is pretty stiff. Here comes the best part.... The look on this guy's face told me he knew he was about to get busted. When the officer asked for his license and registration, the 'Democrat' mumbled that (his license) was suspended.

Just for kicks and giggles I asked the officer if he smelled any alcohol coming from the guy. The officer looked at me, smiled and promptly gave him a field breathalyzer test. Guess what? You got it, he blew a .10, legally drunk in the state of Washington. "DUI, illegal registration and the brand of 'MORON,' all 'cause he hates Bush.


posted by bussorah at 6:11 PM

 
SORRY ABOUT THIS:

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown Apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


posted by bussorah at 6:55 PM

 
THE HONDA PERSPECTIVE

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men ride my invention than yours.."


posted by bussorah at 6:32 PM

 
"SCARY DUCK"

I think this post on "Scary Duck" is the funniest post I have ever read. It leaves this blog for dead. Go read it. And read all the other posts as well. It is British humour, though, so some of it may get lost in translation. I think it is the funniest stuff since "Fawlty Towers": A definite comic genius at work on a humble blog.

This crazy bit had me still chuckling for hours afterwards:

* "Well I've finally reached the age where I have had to have my prostrate checked. It wasn't too bad, but I told the doctor 'If I catch you smiling I'll break your nose'"
"When I had mine checked the doctor made me feel more comfortable by putting both his hands on my shoulders as he eased his fingers into my - hang on...."

Thanks to The Policeman for putting up the link that led me to "Scary Duck". The Policeman is a pretty funny guy too in his own way.


posted by bussorah at 6:00 PM

 
SOME FAMOUS SAYINGS -- REVISED

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL".



posted by bussorah at 6:06 PM

 
The Road Less Graveled

(A down home message for Dan Rather in the colorful Texas idiom he so loves)

Y'all know what we all been thinkin' out here in Texas, Dan, since you started all this foolishness? We think y'all been pissin' down our necks an' tellin' us it's rain for so long that you boys done got to believin' it yourselves. Heck, we think maybe you been back East so long you got yourself thinkin' us folks out here couldn't hit sand if we fell off our horses; couldn't hit water if we fell outta the boat. Danged if you ain't been treatin' us like you think we got squirrels swimmin' in our gene pools or sumthin.' You need to remind yourself that a tree don't ever get too big for a short dog to lift his leg on, Dan.

Bout them documents bein' genuine; well, hells-bells, Danny Boy, Grannie's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a bare wall she see's folks wavin' at her, an' even she can tell them memos are bout as phony as hips on a rattlesnake. We're startin' to think your brain done got harder than a woodpecker's lips if you can't see that. As far as that story bout George an' his National Guard duty, looks to us like you're tryin' to put wheels on a cow an' call it a dairy truck. Then you go pokin' up her butt hopin' you're gonna find ice cream. Besides, ever time you durn fools put that picture of young George in his flyboy outfit on the TeeVee, ol' Jane Fonda loses another herd of her Vagina Voters. Hell, Charlene says that sweet boy's purtier than my new tangerine metalflake bass boat.

Well, Danny, you still ain't lost all your redneck habits; you boys took one pickup load to the dump an' come back with two. Dadgummit, Dan, where you gittin' all this stuff? You been callin' some kinda mystery numbers that ol' boy, whatsisname, Kenneth, is bringin' you offa bathroom walls at truck stops? Somethin' you oughta be worryin' about, Danny Boy: you know how the boys say when you go on a hunt always make sure to save a round for your huntin' guide? Like if he don't find nuthin' else for you to shoot? You suppose any a them rich, fancy-shmancy, New York dudes you work for ever been on a hunt and heard that, Dan, hmmm?

You know how you always been fond a sayin' you feel like a long tailed cat in a room full a rockin' chairs? Well, seems to us like you're startin' to look more like the ground floor tenant in a two-story outhouse. Yeah, for sure you ain't lookin' like the tallest hog at the trough no more. Why, we bet you got yourself wired so tight right now that if we stuck a chunk a coal up your butt it'd come out a diamond in about five minutes. Last time we seen you on TeeVee your smile looked like Charlene's little ol' chihuahua dog that time he bit down on one a them ol' yeller-jacket wasps; you know, kinda like that look a feller gets when he squats with his spurs on.

An' about your boss, that city slicker fella, Johnnie Klein, the one said somethin' bout all us sittin' out here in our long johns? Well we're gonna give him some advice so good he can take it out back an' bury it in a Mason jar. You see, the fact is, Danny Boy, now that all us earthworms is gittin' guns, you big birds is gonna have to be more careful bout where you're peckin.' Somebody needs to tell that dude, Klein, that his cage may still be turnin' but his squirrel's done died. Course, maybe the boy can't help hisself; it might run in the family, you know, generic. We heard tell when he was born his ol' momma carried the little feller around upside down for a whole year wonderin' why he only had one eye.

Yeah them ol' boys up there at Power Line done gone an' slapped you dudes nekkid an' hid your clothes. Them blogger cats watched you fellers jump in that ol' litter box an' they just flat covered you up, quicker `n slicker than WD 40 on a doorknob. Yeah you boys done gone skinny dippin' in a pond full a snappin' turtles. Looks like them broadcastin' geniuses at CBS done let them yeller-dog Democrats talk you inta sellin' your mule so you could buy a plow. When you crawled into the sack with little Miss McCauliffe you done got yourself a real ugly bed partner there, Dan, like a real three-bagger, I mean. You know the drill: one bag over her head, one over yours and one over the dog's so's at least he'll have some respect for you come mornin.'

Before all y'all up there at CBS go tryin' to saddle up another hog for a quarter horse race, you need to think about this: us ol' boys out here know a keyboard ain't where you hang the pickup keys and a byte ain't what Bubba's pit bull did to Cousin Billy; we know modem ain't what we did when the weeds got up to the porch and digital ain't countin' on our fingers, least not any more. Yeah, we done got ourselves a dog in this fight, a bloggin' pit bull, Dan Boy, an' he's justa slobberin' for another big ol' bite of Liberal blubber butt. Didn't your ol' daddy ever tell you that you ain't never gonna be the brightest bulb on the tree if you go huntin' bobcats with a BB gun?

But cheer up, Dan, maybe one a these days all you pointy-headed, liberal, media fellers will see the light. Course, seein's where y'all seem to be keepin' them pointy heads, it'll prob'ly be one a them there things the doctors use.

Whatcha call 'em, proctoscopes?

Russ Vaughn

A Texan

P.S. Charlene says to tell you don't even think about comin' back to Texas. Way folks out here feel, you'd have to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get a dog to play with you. Well, and maybe Mollie Ivins



posted by bussorah at 6:05 PM

 
A BELLIGERENT BEAR


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."




......... Can you stand what's coming? .........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."




posted by bussorah at 6:06 PM

 
THE DREADED "SOCIAL WORKERS"

"We know what's good for you"

Social worker immunity breached at long last: "The state of Arizona and two Child Protective Services caseworkers were found negligent in a toddler's death, along with the man who murdered her and the mother who watched as he tossed the body into a canal, according to a verdict on Wednesday in a civil suit. Twenty-month-old Liana Sandoval was beaten to death by Juan Velazquez in September 2001, just a few weeks after CPS investigated and dismissed allegations of abuse. Liana Sandoval was wired to a 13-pound chunk of concrete when she was dumped into a canal by Juan Velasquez, authorities said. The child's father, Anthony Sandoval, and sister, Isabella, sued the state for negligence in the death. After an emotional, month-long trial before Judge Michael O'Melia of Maricopa County Superior Court, the jury awarded them $7.5 million. The state and caseworkers were found liable for $2.5 million of the verdict."



posted by bussorah at 6:05 PM

 
THE POWER OF PRAYER

A CLERGYMAN was telling the bishop that his pushbike had been stolen. The bishop told him to forgive the thief, and to pray hard for the bike's recovery, not forgetting the Ten Commandments.

Next day the bishop saw the clergyman riding his bike, and commented that his prayers seem to have been answered. "Well, sort of," the clergyman said. "When I was going through the Commandments and came to the one about adultery, I suddenly remembered where I'd left the bike."




A good reply to the question: "Why aren’t you married?"

"I think, therefore I’m single."


posted by bussorah at 6:55 PM

 
The creation of pets


Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.


posted by bussorah at 8:07 PM

 
DUMB HARRY

Harry didn't know how to operate the office equipment. One evening he couldn't find his assistant Vera, so he went over to the copying room to at least try to do it himself. But he was bewildered by all the high-tech machinery and was just standing there staring at the document shredder with a letter in his hand. Then Vera, his assistant, came into the room.

"Vera" said Harry "this is of the utmost importance, it must be done now. Can you make this thing work?"

"Yes, no problem" Vera said. She turned the switch, took the letter from Harry and put it into the machine.

"Great, thanks!" said Harry when his letter went into the shredder. "I need only one copy."




BOOKSHOP MAYHEM

A true tale of bookshop hazards for conservatives here


posted by bussorah at 7:15 PM

 
NORTH KOREA SAYS EXPLOSION CAME FROM CHER CONCERT

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il today threw cold water on speculation that a massive explosion in his country last week was the result of a nuclear weapons test, explaining that the two-mile-wide mushroom cloud originated at a concert by the singer/entertainer Cher. Communicating to the world via his widely read weblog, www.kimjongilspeaks.com, the North Korean strongman said that the massive explosion was a pyrotechnic display timed to punctuate Cher’s grand finale, a performance of her smash hit “Believe.”

“Anyone who has seen Cher in concert knows that she puts on an awesome show,” Kim writes in his blog. “A two-mile-wide mushroom cloud is totally consistent with that.”

U.S. State Department officials refused to comment directly on Kim’s explanation, saying only that they were currently studying satellite photos of Cher to try to determine the exact path of her Farewell Tour. “There is some evidence that Cher’s tour may have taken her last week into the vicinity of North Korea, but it is still too early to say so definitively,” said State Department spokesman Taylor Coburn.

While not taking Kim’s explanation at face value, Mr. Coburn said that a “similar blast” occurred at a 1992 Cher concert during the singer’s rendition of “If I Could Turn Back Time.”

The news of the huge explosion has created jitters in many world capitals, with heads of state calling for an end to both North Korea’s nuclear weapons program and Cher’s Farewell Tour.

Elsewhere, CBS refused to air a two-hour Madonna concert without interruption, saying that such a broadcast would be in violation of the Geneva Conventions.

From Borowitz


posted by bussorah at 6:01 PM

 
SOME STATISTICS

All you need to know about 7-Up

More than 60 percent of all violent crimes are committed less than 48 hours after the perpetrator drank at least 10 cc of carbonated drink. In summertime the percentage goes up to 94 percent!

More than 73 percent of all convicted murderers drink carbonated drinks more than twice a week.

50 percent of all children who drink carbonated drinks do below average in tests.

300 years ago, when there were no carbonated drinks, nobody had even heard of AIDS or Alzheimers.

A can of 33 cc carbonated drink, dropped from a height of 2 feet, will kill 1 mouse out of 4, and the rest will be crippled.

If you drink more than 10 gallons of carbonated drinks in less than 1 hour, your stomach could actually explode.




An old boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.



posted by bussorah at 6:02 PM

 
THE BEST KIDDY WISDOM YET

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds. "What does love mean?"


When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. Billy- age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on after shave and they go out and smell each other. Kari- age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your chips without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy- age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri- age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny- age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. Emily- age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby- age 7

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Noelle- age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy- age 6

During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. Cindy- age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Clare- age 6

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left her alone all day. Mary Ann- age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen- age 7

You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica- age 8

And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."



posted by bussorah at 6:01 PM

 
The 10 Dumbest Quotes of Campaign 2004?

10) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --President George W. Bush

9) "I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel." --Sen. Zell Miller to Chris Matthews, during a contentious interview on "Hardball" following his GOP convention speech

8) "Who among us doesn't like NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing)?" --Sen. John Kerry

7) "You said something I didn't say. Now shove it!" --Teresa Heinz Kerry, telling off a reporter

6) "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --President George W. Bush, after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable

5) "You bet we might have." --Sen. John Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm

4) "It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States." --Vice
President Dick Cheney

3) "I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it." --Sen. John Kerry, on voting against a military funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --President George W. Bush

And the award for the Dumbest Quote of Campaign 2004:

"Go, balloons. I don't see anything happening. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons. Tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet. No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We're getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let's move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons. Balloons. What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f--- are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down. More balloons. More balloons." --Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman.



posted by bussorah at 6:01 PM

 
NADER

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader today blasted the Republican Party for holding its convention this week, charging that the G.O.P. was recklessly taking a week off from working on his campaign.

"At a time when the Republicans should be working overtime, collecting signatures to make sure that I am on the ballot, they are partying hearty in New York," Mr. Nader said.

"The Republicans had promised me that getting my name on the ballot was Job One," he added. "Clearly, they have lost sight of their true mission."

(From The Borowitz Report)




THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY

It was just before World War I. Very foggy. The battleship's captain saw the lights of another ship on collision course. He told his mate to send the message, "Change your course 20 degrees to the east." The reply came quickly "No, no. Change your course 20 degrees to the west". The captain: "This is the Navy telling you to change course" Response: "I represent the government. I am telling you to change YOUR course" The captain was furious: "I am a battleship! YOU change your course!" Reply: "I am a lighthouse! You better change your course NOW, sir!"



posted by bussorah at 5:48 PM

 
EMAILS

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present becuase you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.


posted by bussorah at 7:25 PM

 
DIFFERENT VIEWPOINTS

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do when the basement gets full of steps?'"

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the optician asks. "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."

While listening to an oldies radio station, my six-year-old evidently got the 60's mixed up with the 21st century. Instead of singing along, "Goin' to the chapel/ And we're gonna get married," I heard him sing, "Goin' to the chat room/ And we're gonna get married."

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles onhis old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



posted by bussorah at 7:18 PM

 
MORE STATE DEPARTMENT BUNGLING

It's amazing how regularly "international" organizations soon become hopelessly corrupt. I guess it shows that most of the world outside the Anglosphere is hopelessly corrupt. That would certainly help explain why the Anglosphere is so dominant in the contemporary world. Being just about the only honest guys around should have its advantages.

The latest example of "international" corruption is the organization that the U.S. State Department in it wisdom has invited to "monitor" the upcoming U.S. Presidential elections: "This year, the OSCE approved the election of Mikheil Saakashvili in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia with a Saddam Hussein-like 97 percent of the vote! There are dozens more similar examples."

And guess who the OCSE is headed by? "the president of the OSCE election monitoring arm is none other than Florida Representative and disgraced federal judge, Alcee Hastings... In 1988, The U.S. House of Representatives voted almost unanimously (413-3) to approve 17 articles of impeachment amounting to "high crimes and misdemeanors" against Hastings, who at the time was a federal judge. While sitting on the federal bench, an FBI bribery sting caught Hastings conspiring to obtain a $150,000 bribe in exchange for granting leniency to a pair of convicted racketeers.... He is one of only a handful of judges ever to be impeached in the history of the U.S." How amazing can you get?

More here.



posted by bussorah at 6:23 PM

 
KIDDY WISDOM

A mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."


posted by bussorah at 6:14 PM

 
APOLOGIES FOR THIS:

Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."




A BLONDE GAMBLER

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."



posted by bussorah at 6:01 PM

 
ADVERTISING SLOGANS


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*****************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
*****************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over! a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep wit h a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tyre Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
*********** ***************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you! are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However,! if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
****************************


posted by bussorah at 6:08 PM

 
OH DEAR!


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijonvu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done



posted by bussorah at 6:06 PM

 
You're in New York City. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly you see a woman in the water, she is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer, the woman looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her away... forever. You can either save her or you can take the best photo of your life - you can't do both.

And here's the test: (Please give an honest answer) Would you select Kodak color film (ISO 400), or go with the simplicity of classic black and white?





"Did you see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." -Leno



posted by bussorah at 6:35 PM

 
SOME SPORTS COMMENTATORS AT WORK

Allegedly from the recent Olympic games



1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is kissing the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"



posted by bussorah at 7:21 PM

 
Rodney Dangerfield's Very Best One Liners...

1. I was so poor growing up .. if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7.. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."






A NEW VARIATION ON AN OLDIE

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild love making they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team


posted by bussorah at 5:28 PM